IRELAND: Families & Community & Stabilities

Do you know when I hooked up with Paudie,

Do what he kept telling me about.

His wife and family 

Not even in a weird way.

That was his priority.

Not initially when he just wanted sex.

He was disrespecting ny need to the same similar thing.

All a mistake.

But do you know what he highlighted that I forgot.

How terrified his kids were that he was going to leave them.

How terrified his kids were and his wife was that they would loose their parents.

How scared she was was.

And it seemed not resonate with him becuase his own issues were hurting him.

That what he needed help with.

Because when I said it to him, he understood it.

He underatood why they were reactive and self soothing and upset.

I remembered this when I was a child. The fear of loosing a parent.

When my mam was hurt, I was in terror for months after.

To this day I remember my behaviour after that event.

I had around a couple months worth of deep nightmares and tremours.

It developed into a few years worth of nightmares and similarly to my insides, my outsides reflected it. It was the time of scary nightmare haunting shows on the tele.

It was processing. Trauma and fear.

I had the same nightmare processing during my trauma.

It was deep truamatic processing rooted in deep fear, deep confusion, and need for deep comfort and normality and stability.

When my mother would leave me when Inwas a child for a few years I thought she was going to get hurt every single time.

Worst than hurt.

When used to go to work, and she had to after she got somewhat better, my nana minded us for a few months to help and mind things.

My mother would go off on her bus to work and I used to be terrified she never was coming back.

I used to cry in terror alone with ny nana.

I used to be terrified I would never see her again.

I used to have the most vivid of imagination based on fear, very dark fears and terror.

I understood my Mam was a cleaner then.

I used to imagine her in the most scary and life threatening situations and be terrified until my Nana would caught on and help me.

I used to to out to the garden and watch her leave and then cry and stay there for ages, watching me watch my fears about her job and her situations and be stuck there, rooted and crying alone wishing she did have to go and endanger herself.

I used to have console myself and used to cry and walk up and down the garden and used to vividly imagine her working on the cliffs of moher and being endangered by the wind and storms and elements.

It ia not a coincidence she is telling me about the clothes hanging right now.

That used to be my memories based on terror and its nice she likes and is positive about it.

Kids are terrified there parents will leave them.

My mother used to tell, even though she didn't like Grandad and nana's lifestyle every much, kids still want to be with their parents.

She never spoke bad about her hurt or pain.

She used to have hidden anger that her parents abandonned her and left her with strangers and left her to be taken care of someone else and her inner child is in pain.i not sure of she would say it was better now, that Colm was her guide and protector. She used to tell me in pain on her face that she couldnt hide, that kids wanted to be around their parents.

She wanted to be around her parents.

I wanted to be around my mam.

Paudies kids wanted to be around their parents together.

What kids is to be around peace.

Families aren't just about the adults.

And it is nice to see parents process and grow and learn and get more peace for themselves and everyone.

You don't realise the effect as a adult processing and getting your stuff together has on the entire world.

When my sister and her ex were breaking up, her son who was already struggling with school, lost intetests and hope in that stuff that never captured his interest anyway, completely. He wasn't enjoying it. He would talk about how his belly was always at him and he preferred being at home.

Both his mam and dads family loved him.

Showed up for him.

But he was scared. Of missing out on love.

Within a few weeks of his life, of his family break up, the girl his Dad was seeing told him she was pregnant.

He had a family together one minute, and then he was being split and had no time to process his or his mothers feeling. He had to pretend happiness at his families break up for others.

Paudie told me he was single too.

No one else there.

There were 2 of the lovliest, LOVLIEST boys I ever grew up with in my area.

2 of them had step father Dads that were good to them, but in their souls they were unwanted boys her were left by their dads too.

They were so lovely those lads.

One of them, their Dad didn't want to be be with the mam young. Never as much should her help for his son.

During a period of teenage years, his real dad wanted to give him a bit of love and attention and rebuild.

It went on for a whole summer.

Thst boy was so elated and happy.

He was getting the love and attention from his real dad he never got and had to miss and forgo.

And becasue his Dad had pressures in his own life...and thst boy never understoof thst or communicated that with him, he just one day again stopped showing up for him and meeting him.

He wanted to love him, his dad, but he just never communicated it, and if had to do something or gonaway for a while, he felt so bad and guilty he wouldnt communicate it, he would just disappear, abandon,leave and disappoint his son and leave him guessing and in the unknown and shits.

One day, we were all walking to the shop.

His Dad happened to be walking towards us.

His Dad got uncomfortable and crossed the road and waved at him from the other side pretending to be nice and happy.

The other boy did have a dad either and mine was sick 

No one judged him but we all felt, and including the Dads son, my friend, he felt so fucking abandonned and shit by that moment.

When you are young and a teenager you are still growing and developing.

You think adults have all the knowledge and wisdom.

You dont know them as faulty or not in the know.

No one had any idea hisndad had struggles or poor and terrible and guilt tripping issues of his own.

My friend thought it was him. He was the abandonned and unwanted and wrong one. Not his Dad had a few communication issues that ended up with him running away from his son to get his free time.

His son and young people dont know those things.

That his own Dad had issues.

Bad communication.

Would run off and away from him to try and maintain and get at his own life, and then not communicate any of that, but abandon him, his duty and end up feelig so guilty he would have to cross the road as his happy son was walking towards him to distance himself from his feelings, not his son.

Did you think 3 teenagers with already father issues, pre google and any answers, and wounds already from life understood another adults world or thinking?

We were all wounded and hurt for our friend.

It was such a shit moment for everyone.

My old friend was one of the nicest people and boys in the world. Still is.

And his Dad crossed the road on him rather than hug him and say hi and ask about him and chat.

Nothing over anything.

The other guy, the other friend, was more resilent. Guess why. 

Never even had a relationship with his Dad.

His step dad was a nice man and his son and new brother the absolute opposite of the first son and guy.

2 different types.

No similarities.

The abandonned dad friend was a supermodel.

An absolutely gorgeous looking young man.

Not inside though.

Both were wounded, by their dads abandonnments, their dad of their own dad spaces for them to identify with and palce with and be with and feel safe with and grow and develop.

You're the extra son in your own family's first structure and the one who has the problems of juggling you never asked for because your not unioned and whole with the new family.

I've been around families trying to find meaning and purpose and thrive and strive.

Ive been around families really striving to try and keep their families and lives together and happy and floating.

Ive been around families trying to get help and make sense.

Ive been around emotiomal issues and saw what sense people were trying to make and get at.

Ive been hurts and pains and money pressures and worries and struggles.

Whwn and if adults done try and adult up, whatever that means and is,

Communities suffer.

Children suffer.

Next generation and lifes suffer.

Meaning and purpose and free life suffers.

Families suffer.

My poor friends dad, with all my understanding now as an adult, at that time he didnt cross the street on just his son, but all of us, the 3 of us seeing a parent and hope and adult, that we already has seen pain and hurt, and that we needed love and support and help and just seeing a safe, "normal", stable adult, say something normal and strong like 'hi'.

Another beautiful looking friend of my sisters.

Her father the same.

Abandonned and walked out before she was a walking toddler. That or he died or something.

Same for a few neighbours.

All girls who tried to start a family and get support and start a family young.

Left with one kid that came like the extra spare kid in their own families.

There isnt any judgement of anyone lifes here.

Its just the effects on the kids and my previous friends I grew up and saw.

It affected us all.

My dad was sick, lost but my Dad was there. Present. Normal.

For other families and kids to see and my Dad was nornal and had his own personal issues too.

My Dad got divorced and never divorced us and still showed up every single day.

There was no ego with my Dad.

He wasn't attached to ego or status or proving anything to anyone.

He wanted and showed up for spaces and places in our lifes. Non ego. Non showing off.

No glitz or glamour.

He loved me and my family and his brothers and sisters and he was love, not pretending ornshowing off or making any else feel bad or shit. He got on with all other people and men.

And I looked at me and my sisters friends in that area and at least we were an example and definition of love, for them.

For their kids.

For everyone to relate to and see and feel everyone is normal and has problems too. Regardless of realities and statuses.

My Dad suffered and died. For love.

Everyone else is trying to make sense of their suffering still.

My whole neighbourhood learned and is still learning from their lessons and suffering.

We know loss, and pain, and fears and familiy hurt and break ups and what is important and not.

The people I grew up with were about life and trying in all their kinds and forms of suffering.

They still wanted life and a good way and smooth and ease.

Kids look to adults.

Kids have an excess about of comforts and knowledge. They are still kids and not many know what all the knowledge they have even means.

Kids and young people stil need and look up to and need guidance and real guidance and comfort from real adults and reality

What do all kids and people want. 

Ease from pain and suffering and fear.

Safety.

Family love and support and safety.

To feel they are safe and their fsmilies are and their parents are and happy.

Not abandoned.

Not passed away through tragedies.

Not passing them for issues unknown in the street.

Not poor or bad communication.

Safety. Ease.

Showing up. 

Trying.

They see it and are perceptive to it.

They look for safety and ease, and off adults.

We've to be it and that.

I don't like being around otherwise.

But it's a job and duty.

For others and young vulnerabble needy others.

Marriage and fsmilies is just about stability and regularity and not a fantasy like people might want or see.

If it's kids, do want them terrified because of your behaviours in all kinds?

Unsafe?

Scared?

Tummy aches?

Feeling like spare wheels and unwhole?

Feel aches from abandonnement?

Feeling heartbroken and they haven't even had their first loves and expeiences,m

Repeated cycles and patterns from one generation to the next?

Familes aren't preten lifes.

There are people trying with no role models.

There are people struggling with no support or testing and trying structures.

There are patrerns being repeated based on unhappiness.

All my young friends as teens..there was less than 10 of us.

Broken famlies and families trying and struggling were all.

Hurts kids.

All.

Unsusuall situations. 

All.

Situations that were experienced and felt awful by kids from adults were abandonnement, tragedy, families in many parts, multiple parents, multiple 2 family siblings...

No one said nothing was easy or right and wrong or to be judged. 

It was hard.

It was wounding.

It created kids with anxiety and gears and wounds to transcend.

All people are doing good. Families started. Education or jons got. They are trying to get a peace and stability they never had experienced before.

As as an community of Irishness, when has anyone too much anymore had a chance or good go, away from politics, and been left away from any of the instabilities, misuses, and abilities to try and recreate a free and stsble and unbothered environement for their families and kin?

They are people just trying to survive and get on with life and life it well.

Thrive.

Expand.

Feel safe.

They are people just trying to thrive and live and be and live a good life.

People acting like instability is a way of life, is a choice. 

It's negative reactive programming acted on, not overcome.

I grew up with "stuck" single mams with no houses or partners to depend on.

I grew up with scared kids who needed, liked and wanted to see safe adults and reflections in their community.

Not systems of saviour control and eventually misuse.

Colm got all her girls and families healed to the best of her and the nuns abilities.

She got them influenced to positive goals and lives.

She got them into houses for their lifes and kids and families.

She got them on living and not missing a beat in and on their own lives and communities and joining in every one else.

Some of those women have been strong for their following communities.

All in the face of pain and struggle and dispair.

In it. Through.it. Transcending it. Or trying.

People making excuses for it, unstable activities and the likes, it's not strong or stable or can anyone especially kids and our next generations look to it or you and not feel what all the young people we all grew up with and think, are and is it safe and trustworthy?

Safe and stable?

Safe and adult?

Worth copying and modelling and immulating from the adults towards others? 

And real?

If kids feel unsafe, lying to them and being unsafe just makes them feel that exactly.

Unsafe and unstable and they don't don't know what else is normal or safe! 

And if you aren't BEING that,

Never mind trying to,

They know.

What does that create for the next generation?

Fear. Instability. The search and need for safe role models. Displacement in themselves. For their families.

If immediate, fun and unstable behaviour is chosen as a means and way and excuse to live, it a foundation of sand, communities and houses are being built on.

Falls and ruins and damnation ways for quick impulses gains.

There is opportunities and madness behaviours and the adultnin everyone know the the difference. The highest self call, ignored or adheared.

Following God and waiting ad patience. Or your own impulses and will.

To sit and think and ask yourself and ask yourself and God, is this serving long term or short term good or gain? For me or who or what?

Is this hurting me or people or will it or can it?

What is the short term cost and benefit or long term cost and benefit?

Is this good or bad for me and others?

Does this just affect me or others?

Is it going to be a good or bad choice?

It's like it's acceptable to waste life and lives and time and energies and jeapordise things now, and it certainly is not.

It's so hard to build and maintain.

To sacrifice and earn.

In easy culture. It creates Soddom and Gommorah destrucrion. Instsbility. No leadership. No adults. Madness.

It is not easy to build. Try. Make efforts. Overcome. Grow. Deny. Turn away.

It seems easy for wars to be and people to hate. A comfort there.

People. Before, it cost the soldiers lifes.

Now it cost entire communities and lives and kids and families.

The impersonalbility and who it over-all cost's.

It's a fucking cheap ass cheat.

Now war is aimed at people, and communities. Not a playing field or designated fair face off battle.

A chance for people separate to thst to live.

Now there's a few money people pointing and targetting peoples communities and lives and claiming justification and it is fucking madness and not correct.

Lives are deliberstely targetted.

Civisations.

The money mind that over looks and never and doesnt understand all that a singular man or woman who had to.struggle had to give to their family feeding or growths or lives....at bay of targetting. 

A disgrace.

To build and keep.and maintain God and follow, at bay of sharks, when before people and wyas and communities were respected, prevented, separate...for the respect of life and lives and communities.

The easiness.

The costs.

The easiness. 

The hardness.

No connection in realities whatsoever.

Some one that can take easy and destroy slow and steady good people's work in seconds.

Efforts and energies.

Ignore responsibilities and ways and ownerships and realities.

Lives and efforts.

The disjointedness in disconection from aboves and belows.

I liked working class Ireland.

Not ideal.

But not excessive and out of touch.

People centered and orientated.

People inputted and guided.

People's island.

Working and made and efforted by our people and meaningful struggles and efforts.

Single and hurt mams and kids.

Targeted fathers and communities and lifes ways.

Trying to keep life and strive together.

Connected.

Easy costs everyone in the wrong easy means and ways. In everything.

Not a value gained or cause or effort acheived being easy.

Easy money at high costs. High problems. High costs.

Houses and efforts made of and upon sand and temptation, or foundations and plans and effort made in strength and stone.

There's short term opportunities and high risks and problem creation.

There's there sacrifices and efforts and stsbility.

Not everything that glitters is gold.

Not ever tempation isn't not a false lead and direction.

Businesses and families and community lifes can't be mislead to the groups own destruction.

Efforts and sacrifices and meaningful efforts pay off.

Not always glamourous. But roots digging and strong and true.

Never underestimate the power of those strengths.

Of God's way and power, staying true and in hardship and in stability. Of love of the right things, the right move and directions, rectifying structures and pillars.

The family and the community for me canmot be mixed up with business venture.

The needs of the family have to acknowledged and put first, for whatever needs they are and at. And then next moves or choices. Not the cart before the horse.