Spiritual Awakening and Injuries and Trauma Links & Soul Awakenings and Journies

When I had no memory...

never mind memory loss....

it was because my whole mind was dispalced.

I could 'glimpse' memories, and I suppose they were mine.

But I couldn't 'process' them.and extract the information.

Like a meta-physical 'download'.

Like a computer. 

A file in the cloud or in a computer and processed and downloaded through.

I couldn't do that initially.

I had to do the exercises I wrote in the "Concussion" posts.

Grab what ever word or imag eor picture came through to me.

I had to numb.

I had to relax and rest and let the mind "processor" restructure itself pain stakenly slow and with cooperation of my side of work.

I remember after 2017 - 2019.

Before my "break/split" from FD.

Whatever frooze me and blew me out.

I remember doing high intencity bike exercises in UL. Like 'Spin' classes.

This was after around a year of depression and darkness. Like I couldn't 'think'.

My mind went blank and I couldn't think. 

I couldn't think it. 

My 'thinker' / processor wasn't processing or generating new thoughts.

New inspiration.

New nothing.

It was the weirdest experience not to be generating new thoughts or ideas or inspiration.

I thought the 'shock' I experienced would ease up over a period of time, but it didn't.

It never eased or unfroze or defrosted or unshook.

Like a hold. 

A hold over me.

And after this period of time, I was doing stuff that assisted and assisted over time.

I used to go to the cold pool all the time.

The cold water would centre me in my body.

Cool my brain and mind.

Take me off my mind.

It would help with oxygen to my brain.

So did the high insity bike intervals.

I noticed after a high intense sweaty session I could naturally feel alert and alive like my chemicals rebalanced themselves rejuvenating me and the detox through sweat felt great.

I remember this was the first time I felt one brief high of 'normal'. 

Like I could think about the session I just had, I could think about the brain chemical release and process the knowledge about serotonan, oxygen, whatever else that released and I could think. This was the first realisation I had in over one year. Like I was 'normal' again.

Like because of those flood of chemicals and exercises and toxins release and effort on the bike for a short high time and few days after, my brain was oxygenized and thinking and feeling flowing and normal again. 

And the thing was, up to that point, I was just doing cold pool dips and walks and regular biking around but it was relaxing exercise but regularly, but the spinning class pushed me extra. Pushed me with the class to keep up.

Now I was fit then. Doing regular exercise and this just pushed me up a level.

And because it did, I felt it's positive effects on my mind and brain.

Not I was "relaxed and ready" for the ,the spinning bike class.

Like I was worked my way up to it.

Did "getting fit" work, doing cold dips.

And then my brain was frustrating me.

For a year.

I got relaxed, still hopeful I would figure it out, I just didnt have the answer yet so I was figuring things out.

I got depressed after frustration.

I was still doing my exercises but I took the pressure off my mind because I accepted I had no answer, then, and I would figure it out.

I relaxed and left it , (so I must have took my mind of my mind and surrendered the pressure), and then came across this spinning bike class, went into it.

When I went in, there was like 6 or 7 or us, and a big hairy bike instructor.

I was not expecting to sweat and be pushed up, but I was fit for it, ready for it and my brain "relaxed" because I surrendered.

That is when I noticed the flood of chemicals and the oxygen naturally flooding my mind and brain and I could process it and realise it and think.

The 'high' / normal healthy functioning lasted about a few good good days and over the few weeks after, but I put or got under pressure again and  my freeze started over again.

I hated it.

I was so stuck and frustrating to freely think.

I tried to do the spinning exercise again but because I couldnt access that peaceful place first, because my home and my life and the pressures weren't peaceful at all, (atracks), I couldn't relax and high and get the flood and kickstart the flood of healthy chemicals to boost me again.

The high intensity exercises were great though and especially AFTER a relaxed completely surrendered released mind state.

I just didnt have access to a restful peace state in over 2 long years between the time of 2017- 2019.

The cold pools, rest, real brain rest, tranquil states, and high intensity exercises after brain rests, like the energy had renewed and reserved itself to built up and blast me with regenerative energy blasts like oxygen and serotonin, to remember and renew and regain memory and processor health and strength.

Also, Writing my thoughts down.

Whatever they were.

A picture or vision or work or whatever.

I had post it notes everywhere.

Grabbing and grasping thoughts or ideas because what I noticed was if I didnt grab the thought, it would elude me. Be forgotten. Gone back to the the universe and either.

Gone.

So I had to grab a thought and write it down.

And this built up energy.

And scientifically, energy's nature is to expand.

So you are helping to expand your mind's energy.

And if you grab whatever words...whatever words....the words energy in imagination expands.

The word expands into other word and memories and sentences.

And I had to write all these down.

The sentences.

Because if I wrote the word and not the sentence, the sentence would elude me and I would have the word and not have the rest of the sentence.

So I went from words. To words and sentences and more and more sentences.

It was hard and tendious and work.

But the work paid off.

And in a few months I had expanded upon my brains repair and processor repair and ability to expand it's mind procesing and sentence and a paragrapgh extraction.

I never full admitted during these repair times that it was repairing, I just held onto the old me. The vision of the me I knew. The me that was smart and was always smart and the me I knew, not the me that I was there at that time or had become in injury. 

I missed and was sad about this me that was there and the me that I knew I had an amazing good mind and brain.

The me that my sister always said I was smart.

I never accepted the 'broken'me.

I was but I never inward accepted it against all reality at that time nor during recovery phase.

I just appreciated and saw it improve and let it.

I let it improve and expand and did art.

I let it expand and be and did pool and walks.

And I let it and wished and remembered me, the whole me. The real me. The smart me. The me me.

Not the injured or hurt or recovering me.

That was me recovering.

Not me.

I was one of the smartest people I knew.

Not like Einstein or that type and way, but I knew I had something in and about me that was special and me and different and smart and extra and I held on to all that outlook and vision and knowing and being of being me.

Recovery was recover. Never me.

The steps along the way. Steps.

Not me.

Me wasn't me until I could know and say and accept me was me.

Happy with all recovery. 

But me wasn't me until me was me and beyond that.

I remember inner acknowledging, is this step ok?

It was but I was being and getting back and doing more to get back me.

It took 2 years. It was not easy years before I accepted ok, this is ok.

During that time I called on God. And he answered and that energy this whole time could have guided and elevated me more.

I didn't know about a God.

I never believed in one.

And he anwsered and shone his energy in and upon me.

I developed it more and practiced what I was seeing and knowing, developing the relationship with God and the light and the occurences and energies and it got better. 

But pre that, those were my steps towards fixing myself and once my spirit was realigned back into my brain, mind and body, like a bomb blasted me out from it, once the realignment has settled.

Once the re-alignement had occured, the glue wasn't set.

I would sneeze and reshook and blast myself out and off alignment.

The power of breath and a sneeze.

I would have practice holding onto myself at sneeze times.

Same around traffic or uncomfortable high energy occurences.

I put no times frames on my recoveries or strengthening. I just practiced and gave whatever time and energy was needed or required. Well I had no choice. There wasn't any other way just acceptance and living and continuing on and figuring it out.

After my spirit realigned. 

After I built up strength to glue-ish/hold onto things.

I began the brain reprocessor thought grabbing exercises. That was what took the longest and wasn't whole and over, until it was whole and over.

It drank alot.

Not for drunkness.

Rarely ever drunk.

For brain numbing.

The alcohol numbed me and held my brain work of thoughts grabbing in place, but the sugar and weight and side effect wise of things was something I noticed.

I wasnt drinking to forget anything.

I was drinking to take the pain and weight and pressure off and while doing the exercises of thoughts/word grabbing and thst would cause its own inflammation, because I was kick starting the brain processor....kick starting my ass..recentering, glueing, holding, getting things started and working and rejuvenating again.

It causes heat.

Heat and inflammmation.

And needed calming.

And cooling.

Because it hurt.

So I numbed.

Numbing without work is just numbing. 

No work just freezing, already there injuries.

Numbing while writing down word grabs is holding onto the brain's processor and work and 'healing' done and practised.

It's like a brain 'cast'.

A hold.

Of healing work done.

And then next day, keep doing it.

But also sleeping. Resting.

Alot.

As much needed.

Like a baby and all day and for as long needed to recover from pain and inflammation and rejuvenate and recover and regain energy for everything.

Yes I had to work, but realistically if posisble, all 'normal' 9-5, Mon to Friday, lifestyles go out the window.

The recovery and rest to get back to 'normal' normal is best.

Like rehabilitation / physiotherapy.

It takes what it takes.

I eased off the numbing because of the side effects and I noticed the fragility of the mind and habit/addiction fears, because the mind isn't 100% "strong". It's weak getting strong.

Like a broken leg getting physiotherapy not fully healed and not good to use or run or weaken while in healing mode.

I built up mental strength doing this.

Accepting the pain. 

Water and hydration was huge. 

Brain is mostly water.

H2O...water oxygen.

My periods was so painful on my mind. 

The chaos.

The normal mind fog for me during that time was scary for me becuase I thought I was nearly loosing my work done.

It was excruciating lost and sore and crunching on my thoughts and processor.

And then, post period, renewed, fresher, like a test passed, likena period of intense crunching crunched me down so much, it then released me so much after and I noticed this every period and month so I learned to go with and rest and let it happen and do it's thing. It benefitted me and helped me recover more and faster.

When I moved away from drink as a nunbing agent, I had to reward myself for walking through hell and doing the work, so weight went absolutely to the side. I bought myself chocolate and cake nearly everysingle day and good nice treats to reward myself and keep me feeling good and alive while in this brain injury recovery state.

I hated the weight gain but if I didnt have rewards or cake and take my mind off the pressure of weight and pressures of body images, I would have been very unmotivating and I had to keep my self rewarded and happy to keep going with my work.

I remembering meeting 3 famous people during this time I was weightier and sure what could I do but say feck it.

2 of them fancied me and I was there looking WTF but sure nobody had a clue what I was dealing with or going through.

(By the way it was Covid..I bought myself new clothes and dresed up lovely even though weight gained ever single day. I kept it positive and continueing me where I was at and what I needed)

Cake and rewards were supporting my progress and I needed the positive reward for the hard work undertaken.

I still did walks and pools and saunas and steam rooms.

I did art to take my mind off my mind. 

My logical reasoning was the thing hurting. 

So to take my mind of it and reat creativity REALLY HELPED! 

Art, art courses, psychology art therapy course and colouring books.

Some of the best art I ever did was channeled from this time and very beneficial.

I faced fears.

The embarrassment anxiety levels were OUTSIDE ME. I had Zero control at the beginning stages of control and energy.

I suffered some very humiliating out of control anxiety moments.

In the hairdressers. Sitting in the chair. My energy would leave me and go hay wire and feel ADHD and I had no control. But Inhad tk sit there and see it through and try to get control back. Slowly. Incrementily.

Over time.

Because if I left and ran away and left the chair or those or each humiliation moment in recovery I would never have mastered the next step and part.

My heart ripped apart in pain, torture and humilation and embarrassment during most of those times because I was so PTSD hyper aware, I noticed EVERY SINGLE MICRO MOVE OF NEGATIVITY, DISGUST AND DISPAIR other people felt about and towards me.

My heart broke and ripped apart at how "shitty" and not strong any single person, NO ONE, absolutely no one, was considerate or kind or caring or nice, not even generally.

I walked a wilderness of COLD ON EARTH SPIRITUAL HELL. The Dark Night of the Soul.

Did I have any clue or help or asistance that while I was trying and stepping through truama recovery, figuring that out on my own, that I was equally and side by side also have a spiritual awakening and it occurred alongside a Dark Night of the Soul underworld journey initiation.

Not one clue.

I was just going through the motions of whatever was occurring to me and around me and figuring concepts and names and labels out and also brain training recover I developed on my own and from my own experience.

I was an atheist with no spiritual beliefs or concepts. No belief in god or spirits or spirit or energy and I was injured AND having a spiritual awakening while being atheist and had to loose myself to find myelf and rewrite the story and structure right and correct for understanding that I never ever had in my life before. 

I had to fight my really strong athiest beliefs and brain and concepts and understanding and drive from a new place and restructure and reorganise life and the occurences and the understanding of what was going on, ALL ALONGSIDE healing my broken brain processor, getting that working again and getting that going to figure out WTF was going on and how do believe in a God when I dont. I has visions and what they were and meant all in a short time frame.

So once I had my mind brain processor thinking away again,

I exercised for oxygen and mind flow and numbed healthy,

Treated and rewarded myself,

did art and took my mind of my mind,

rested and slept like a baby and alot.

Observed my recovery slowly but surely and kept my eye and mind on it and appreciated it.

Kept it going.

Got periods that nearly knocked me out for 4-5 days straight.

Got sun stroke and dehydration that nearly hospitalised me for 5 days straight.

Got an infection that knocked me out bodily in a fever and kept me bed ridden for 4 days straight. Guess where. On my bum.

Near my personal parts.

An ingrown hair turned into an infection and swelled up to cyst that had me additionally in agony on top of fever and then it swelled so large I began praying becuase of the pain and it burst. Then when it burst. I had an open wound and couldnt move, got a fever and shook on my bed for 4 days. And then after that and regaining energy I could shower and stand up.

This was all while having trauma and in a spiritual dark night of the soul I had only begun researching.

Piecing understandings together in between sunstroke, dehydration, fevers trauma, shakes, infections, in between spiritual and HUMILIATING HEART WRENCHING HURTFUL HATEFUL EMBARRASSING anxiety on a mooon and existential level that peeled paint off walls never mind mind humiliatingly embarrassed and infected every single person I encoutered with....the heart break and the humiliation was additionally something else...

And if I did volunteer for it and see it through and get through it, no next step would ever even appear for me.

So the only way through was through.

All of that shit.

And figure things out.

Organise the information piece by piece together.

And do you know what facinates me about all that pain....PTSD trauma pain, recovery pain, illness pain, period crunch excruciating pain, in between pains..

I numbed with alcohol for a short time, but I never took not 1, not any, parecetemol, ibuprofen or any pain killers. Not one.

I needed or could have done with alot stronger than parecetemol, but I decided not to but stomach the pain through, rest, water, swim or sauna, or sleep the pain out or through. Or have chocolate bar and cake.

Oh and I had a split searing pain in the left hemisphere of my brain where  my spirit blasted out of my body and my kundalini energy blasted out of my brain and head, in a accumiliated of a 2 years build up excruciating frustraing pain energy rising and I had no idea at all what was occurring and happening, because I had truama and a spiritual awakening happening and I knew neither about neither and had to figure the infromation out, while in recovery that is only a miracle I survived at all.

I was also nearly attacked and targetted by 3 men in UL at that time.

I was targetted in frustration by other people too.

And i'm pretty sure other stuffs happened too but how does this or any of my story make others feels better about themselves when they are suffering, going through spiritual awakenings, havent any real clue what is goin on in this new raised consciousness energy earth, and or suffering from normal life traumas themselves and still waking up day to day and trying to live healthy nornal productive lifes.

I will have to help if I can.

My story of recovery can be adapted or related to help those going through truama and/ or spiritual awakenings.

People believe spiritual awakenings are happy and light. And they can be if built up over time. Its energy rising.

Mine was triggered because of truama event and because I had no.knowledge what was occuring or of a spiritual belief in me, and I was injured, my energy built up over 2 years, I got further injured, spiked, I think, got so spiritually loose, my energy blasted out of my mind and head (while in work in an office), that felt like someone stabbed the top of my head with a searing light white sword and my spirit split from my body blasted out of body and my energy blew out entirely of my head and mind and out towards the entire world. All while sitting in a chair in work in an office.

Spiritual awakening like this and trauma is similar to psychosis.

Terrifying. 

Only I began to become aware of my awareness.

This wasnt psychosis.

Not even near.

It was pure and aware and steady and stable.

My awareness.

Me.

My inner light and knowing.

My existence.

My brain was in a shambles.

My spirit was blasted out of my body.

My wholeness was in agony and not fear....terror....you can never imagine

Terror

But this inner light and part of me was 1000%

A ok.

Perfect. (Soul/being)

No idea what any of it meant. Had to piece it together. As I was in piesces.

Start there. Pieseces. Figure out what came first.

Entered a dark night of the soul jouney.

Didnt know what this was until about 1.5 years later.

Found a saint and poem.

St john. Dark night poem.

He was saying darkness and love.

Love?

It was darkness not even the word depression could come near to.

Looking back now, my soul was being rebirthed, I was going through hell, in the dark. Dark was everywhere.

No light.

Not light feeling in the world.

But it was day.

It was sunny.

But nothing.

No light. No sun really.

.............

I will write up more of this stuff but it is late.

And I initially started this talking about helping with an injury state.

But injuries, traumas and spiritual awakening's are similar or both happening or one or the other.

Sometimes only time will tell with recovery if it was soul rebirth and /or mind brain recovery.

I had both right at the same time. 🤷‍♀️

But what I went through with the brain/mind recovery was effective. Why? Because I recovered full effect and more. 

TBTG. 🙌

I can recall.

Look at all this.

When previously I could barely keep a memory or word.

It (I) was stuck in the ether. 

God's creation of energy beings..we and that energy is so powerful and so healing and effective and recovering. But it takes work initially before it automatically kickstarts back up. Like car. A engine. A motor.

You have to help it, the mind, get to that point before it gets automatic and going.

So it mind injury work. Painful. But worthwhile.

Then good to go.

Things like drugs and other factors, bangs, traumas, can also trigger off spiritual awakening, either either / or,

Or one or the other,

or both at the same time.

Why?

Drugs loosen the spirit.

Drugs loosen the mind.

Energy is potent.

Powerful.

Very strong and if set off, it is happening.

Like the birth of a new life. A soul. The new soul. The forgotten soul. The covered up soul. The real self.

And it sheds its old skin and habits and ways in a hell called a dark night of a depression helscape soul awakening.

Same thing as given birth to a new baby.

The woman births new life through a painful birth process.

Well a soul being shook awakened, and remembered..some people have a happy experience and some people have a different one.

And its like we are missing our spiritual awakening midwifes or support during the process of awakening which can happen anyone at anytime anywhere, after injuries and after drug use taking.

It is like birth, natural, but all different and even so intense it can be truamatically strange it can feel.like real deal crazy.

It's energy and chemical imbalancing and rechanging. Like alot of women get post partum depression. 

Best not to try and control but allow.

And different world options I have found out later can assist.

The mind and a stubborn or scared one during an injury or pre awakening experience can be very very powerful or even hold on to fear and control and and old maybe stiff or stuck injury or fear of loss of control.

Rigid stuck energy holds.

Things and ways could assist in realiseasing.

Like me with my numbing concept.

There are others ways or concepts too. To release the stuck hold or realease for help.

I also have to write because in a dark night or injury things are so bleak and dark and I know because I experienced both and I called on my faith during a time when Inhad gone as far I could go and someting of the most beautifula and powrrful light and energy appeared to me  when zi called on it..i asked was there a God and that light and That power

Shone so brightly and ligtly before returning to me the dark night soul and indicated to me to keep calling on it and asking questions and seeking its inner knowing....and over time.

I healed.

And over time.

I got even better.

And I have give my grace and thanks to God because it was that light and energy that I practiced following in myself and on relationship to the world that revealed itself to me and guided me and led me put of the dark night and back and better into the world and to build a close relationship with the worldly Universal God and powwr and spirit and light. It healed me through me. My light and soul from God healed me. Not over night. No way over night. Time and effort and pain and slowness and tests and emotions.but it is so real and cool to say after all that,  I was healed and because of who I am and wjat God is and made me and alllowed me and it to be. A source of powerful light and power that made the overcoming of thsst injury FULLY and more, truely powerful....and cool!

No drugs.

Just effort.

Just light.

Just God.

Just me.

And everyone has and is this in them becauze He made us all and to overcome and we can call on his light and power and strength and work with Him and within ourselves.

It's cocreation.

Its nature and cool.

And injuries possible to over come.

And stuff understood.

But with effort becuase thst is life on earth.

Heavenly energies accessible here for us on earth.

Co creation with the Creator of All Creation.

And that is why I write on all of that because when you abide with and in and under the light of God, The Creator, the light fills you up faster. The energy.

Than on your own.

You must co mix. Co create and give thanks and appreciate.

So injuries, spiritual awakenings, traumas, concussions, memory processors, soul reclamings and reclamations and remembering and helping ways are all similar, powerful and therapies of many kinds can help. Just explore all forms, mental, physical, psychological, know yourself and rest too.

Face fears.

Dont care about the messy ugly process to get better because its just fear disguised as a hinderance to stop you getting better and reclaiming your mind, health, soul, betterment.

Its hell.

I went throught some of the most humiliating hurtful and painful moments of my life. Everyone broke my heart.

So many reasons to stop and stay put and stay still and accept my broken self, but I couldnt. It wasnt me and it was so shit and dark and terrible it was no way to be and live and accept. There was way too much crap and suffering so my only way was through. And it got better and I did.

This and my previous concussion posts are very helpful and I encourage everyone because it works, it helps and injuries can be overcome and application and efforts done or tweaked towards anyone and suffering overcome.

My concussion posts were put up at December 2024. Thorough 2 posts.